| have you ever wanted to step outside of your body.. jump into another body, any other body, and watch yourself act and react to situations that occur in daily life? i have. see, we often get caught up SO MUCH with ourselves, that we forget how we come off to others. it's a classic tv episode from almost any show you watch. someone gets caught up with the money, the fame, drugs, alcohol.. whatever it may be, and even though everyone around them sees what they have become.. they're oblivious to their own destruction. it may not always be so drastic, it may not always be an addict or a celebrity that goes through this. it's us. and wouldn't it be amazing to be able to see yourself how others see you? frightening even. the thought of all your flaws jumping out at you..flaws you may have never noticed before.. because you were too critical of others' flaws. and i'm not talking about a huge zit on your face or a stain on your new shirt... i'm talking about personality, i'm talking about habits.. strengths.. weaknesses. how are we ever supposed to really understand what kind of person is showing through our physical? we have so many problems on a daily basis... with school, friends, family, sports.. whatever it may be. of course, it's not humanly possible to jump out of your body and watch yourself through anothers eyes, that's probably common sense. and we often have trouble understanding or admitting to our faults when recognized by those around us... so what is there to do?
throughout the years i have discovered more about myself than i would have ever wanted to. things that i want to change more than anything, but simply cant. i've tried. and also, many good things have come of this.. you cannot learn without making mistakes, and i have made many. and in fact, it's sort of the opposite of what i'm trying to say... because no one else saw it, it was something I dealt with on my own, without anyones help. something i realized... ways that i have dissapointed myself. and so.. my entire existence.. is based upon this act.. this attention whore image.. this party-girl i don't give a fuck attitude.. the mistakes i make that i laugh off and do nothing about.. the person I am being percieved as.. is a person that if were not me, i would hate. well.. i actually do hate her.. me..
and you always want forgiveness. you want a clean slate and you tell yourself okay, from now on, the old me is no longer here. but the truth is.. the "old you" is always a part of you.. whether a memory or a bad habit, unfortunately, it exists. and for me, it consumes me. i want to be this wonderful person, i can read people with such ease.. i can tell what people want in a friend, girlfriend, within seconds of meeting them. so with this knowledge- what have i done? i'm still stuck with a few "friends" if any... and haven't ever managed to keep a relationship, not that it's that important at 15 anyway. the "old me" is the "new me..." it's all ME. i am what i am, and what others say i am.. and it's incredibly hard to keep your head up and have a high self esteem when what everyone says about you is true. i want to change, i've stepped outside of my body, i've seen what i truly am, and it disgusts me. the way i act, the people i choose to befriend who hurt me in the long run, the stupid things that i do. i've been that other person, and i've hated rachel.
and no one understands.
how badly i'd like to change. no one understands that there's more to me than a humorous annoying side. i joke, i kid, i'm loud and always looking for attention.. i annoy people, sometimes to the point where even if they like me, they can't stand me. i lie to the people closest to me, the people that have provided me with everything i have, and i know that at the end of the day- no matter how i'm treated anywhere else- that these people still love me, and will keep me.. there is no back and forth like there is with friends, this is forever. this is family. so is that me? is that who i am doomed to be forever? good for a few laughs?
but i know this is a battle i must fight with myself. just a vent, i suppose |
